Why do Non-Porn Gay Films Suck?
Brokeback Mountain shows how good gay films could be.
Picture the scene. You’re spending the evening with your boyfriend, and you’ve got the DVD of the latest much-hyped gay film. You slip it into the DVD player, and soon you’re watching 2 toned chisel-jawed lovers in tight vests discussing their impending annual trip to their cabin in the woods, one asking the other if he’ll be taking the leather harness he’s holding.
So begins “Three Day Weekend”, another stereotyped, self-absorbed, soft-porned, badly-acted, 90 minutes of cliched hell that is typified by modern gay films.
So what makes gay films so bad?
1 Bad acting
Stilted, poorly delivered lines from nobody actors who only got the job because they’re gay and know the director. Put your toes into splints because they will be curling after 5 minutes - guaranteed!
2 Needless soft porn
Every gay movie must show several bare arses - minimum! Flacid penises may be added at the director’s discretion, and - oooh - maybe erect ones too.
3 Gay Angst
Impossibly painful personal journeys of discovery. Ideally coming out in a hostile environment, but other emotional handicaps are welcome. The main thing is at least one character must be angst-ridden, extremely good looking, and deeply wounded in some way by the gay condition.
4 Mournful stares into the camera
…and if you’re particularly unlucky they’ll talk into the camera too.
5 Gay Stereotypes
Bring them on - the more the merrier! Gym-pumped guys, effeminate characters, overly masculine characters, sex toys/equipment, the disapproving father and don’t forget the fag-hag mother or girlfriend.
6 Tiny budget
Don’t expect big actors, big stunts or big sets. Do expect to pay top whack for the DVD though!
7 Drag queens
Outrageous, glamorous, mostly unfunny and…why?
8 Drifting storyline
Forgotten half way through what the movie was about? Don’t worry! This is normal for a gay film - don’t expect to be gripped right through to the explosive ending. Instead get ready for a gentle meandering drive along ‘gay road’.
The Case for Decent Gay Films
Mysterious Skin - a gripping and thought-provoking gay film
Please - someone out there - make a decent gay film! Are we as a gay community so easy to please? Do you think you can just give us some good looking guys, show us their bums, throw in some emotional turmoil and stuff it with reassuring stereotypes to reinforce our sense of gayness? What a simple, yet ultimately insulting formula.
Decent gay films are possible - Brokeback Mountain and Mysterious Skin are two worthy examples, although it should be noted the oscar winning Brokeback Mountain was mostly a straight production.
So, isn’t it time to raise the bar on gay films? After all, it can’t get much lower.
by David Abrehart
(c) Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
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