by James Trusson
There is an old saying: if a young couple put a penny in the pot for every time they had sex in their first year together, and took a penny out for every time after that they would never empty the pot. This is especially true for gay guys.
The male gay world is highly geared toward sex - we see it all around us in magazines, on the scene and on the internet - it is infused throughout our culture and identity. This constant reminder of sexuality, the temptations it brings and the expectations it fosters, leads to special difficulties in our long term relationships.
Don’t take it for granted that the strong sexual attraction you have for your new partner will last. Over time it will fade. As a gay man you are extremely unlikely to remain in a sexually active monogomous relationship for life.
How we cope with that reality will determine our future relationships, happiness and fulfilment.
If you hold to the knight-in-shining-armour-hand-in-hand-into-the-sunset dream then you need a wake up call. What happens when you stop fancying each other in a few years? Another knight? Then another, and another? Or stay with the first one and try and work out a way to make your relationship work, even without sex?
Perhaps the first step should be to notice when your sex life starts to wane, and make a special effort to keep it alive. This is another topic in its own right but there are ways of adding variety to your sex life to stop it getting stale.
Another possibility is to consider inviting a third (or fourth) into the bed to help you still express intimacy for each other, but keeping things fresh with the excitement of a new sexual partner(s).
If none of these things work and you simply are no longer sexual together, but want to stay together, then maybe it is time to be realistic and allow each other to have a sexual outlet with other guys. Doesn’t sound very romantic does it?
However, you’re faced with a situation that can’t be ignored - you want to stay with the man you love. You don’t fancy each other any more. You need a sexual outlet. Something has to give. You may find that discreetly allowing each other to have sex with other men saves your relationship. One caveat however - they need to be sexual outlets only, not emotional involvments.
It is worth pointing out here that for some guys having a series of relationships, instead of one life-long commitment, is an entirely valid way to achieve happiness. Other guys enjoy being single, with the freedom it brings. Each to their own.
Being a gay man is not easy. We hear it, and live it, every day - discrimination, HIV, bullying and more. But there are less obvious difficulties we face as gay men, and with gay divorce rates higher than straight divorce rates*, one of the most important is the ability to maintain long term loving relationships on our own terms.
I say we need to work out what we really want from our love life, then make the best job of it that we can. If that means turning a blind eye to some transient indiscretions in order to save a loving relationship, then so be it.
*source Wikipedia
(c) copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
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What do you think? Comment below!
June 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Don’t be depressed. It’s the love that will grow between you. If your relationship is based on sexual attraction then you will face hard times in the future. But if you are growing to love each other then, even if the sexual attraction begins to fade, you will have a strong bond keeping you together. This is such an honest article. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 years. Ask your friends who have been together for longer than 5 years what they do…
March 19th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we still fancy each other and I can’t ever see that changing. It isn’t always about how someone looks sex is psychological and emotional too. If my boyfriend slept with someone else it would tear me apart inside so to be honest i find this article very depressing.