You’re single and a little lonely. You’re at a party and there across the room you see your ex…and he’s looking fit. You say hello, before long you’re at ease with each other and laughing, and a few hours later you’re in his bed having mind-blowing sex ‘for old time’s sake’.
The next day he calls and you arrange to meet for a coffee. You clearly like each other, fancy each other and are enjoying each other’s company. Should you get back together?
Maybe. Relationships are complicated things, and often there are no right and wrong answers. Assuming you’re both single, there are some questions you can ask yourself when you’re thinking about what to do:
1 Can you overcome the reasons why you split up the first time round?
Because if you can’t then you’ll split up again for exactly the same reasons. If you couldn’t bear the way he was so mean with his money before, then it won’t be long before you notice how tight he is this time round. Whatever the reason for your previous break-up, you’ll be wise to have resolved it before trying again.
2 Do you want a relationship at any price?
Having a boyfriend can be amazing, but so can enjoying the independence of being single. Are you so lonely or insecure that you must have a partner at any cost?
3 Does he live close to you still?
A long distance relationship can be very difficult. Be very cautious indeed before embarking on one.
4 Are your feelings for him equally reciprocated?
Or are you not respecting him by going along with his desire to get back with you when you’re ambivalent about it? Or have your old feelings for him come flooding back but perhaps he is not so sure?
5 Are you acting out of jealousy?
You may be motivated to get back together with him in order to stop him having relationships with others because you are so jealous. This is no basis for a healthy relationship. You need to get over him, not under him.
6 What do you both want this time round?
Be clear where you stand. Whether you’re looking for a bit of light-hearted fun or a serious commitment, it is important you’re fair on yourself and each other by being open about your hopes from the start.
7 Are you acting on impulse?
Things can happen very fast where an ex is concerned. You’re likely to be at ease with each other and can cut through the small talk as you know each other very well. Feelings can be reawakened in a flash. Don’t be overwhelmed by them.
8 Is it just a sexual thing?
Sex with an ex can be very powerful. You’ll have none of the shyness and all of the excitement. Sex with an ex can be great. Nothing wrong with that, but don’t let it cloud your judgment, and if you are just seeing it as a sexual thing watch your feelings so that they don’t creep up on you, and also make sure you’re clear with him too as you don’t want him getting hurt if he wanted more.
9 Are you wearing rose-tinted glasses?
We often remember the best in people and forget the bad stuff. This is a great characteristic, but watch out! You need to remember and accept all aspects of your previous relationship with this guy, and consider what has changed or can be changed so that it can work out this time round.
10 Are you prepared for the possibility you’ll split up again?
If you split up before, then you may well split up again. However, that does not necessarily mean you shouldn’t have another relationship with this guy. Love, relationships and people are complicated things. Life is messy. Sometimes, a relationship (or second or third relationship) can still be valuable and worthwhile even if it ends again. It is your judgment to make.
Elizabeth Taylor famously married (and divorced) Richard Burton twice. Even so, she said
“I love Richard Burton with every fibre of my soul, but we can’t be together”
Not the words of someone who regretted getting back with her ex.
By David Abrehart
(c) Copyright 2011. All rights reserved.