Coming out is a life-long process
No matter how many years since we came out as gay men, there tend to be those in the background, relatives or friends with whom we’ve spoken and corresponded over the years, without ever broaching the issue of our gayness. This is a loss to both parties, not only for the tensions it creates in us having to live a double life, but in the sense of not being able to discuss huge chunks of our life which are gay-related.
Recently, I did an interview at work to feature in the weekly free magazine. It is a regular question and answer piece called, ‘The Best Of….’ interview. One of the questions was, What’s your best-kept secret? My immediate answer was partly, “Well, I’m gay if it’s escaped anyone’s notice….” The answer to that turned out to be, yes it had - despite outing myself at the original interview for the job, and seven and a half years working there openly as a gay man, quite a few people said they had no idea.
Your sexuality helps define you
Ok, I’m not the screaming queen stereotype, but it was a bit disconcerting. There wasn’t even a whiff of a bad reaction, but it made me realise that coming out , so often fervently discussed at student meetings in the early days of gay liberation as the magic gesture we all had to make to facilitate real change and our acceptance in society, is in reality a life-long process.
Last week was my oldest living relative’s 95th birthday. Health problems aside, this lady gets the best out of life, and I’ve always enjoyed her company and letters, but through all the years we’ve never touched on my sexuality. I decided this must end, and cut out the magazine interview which I sent with her birthday card. So, yesterday I felt some apprehension when she replied.
I opened what was outwardly the usual newsy, neatly handwritten letter, and began to read it warily. Almost at the end she alluded to my article with the following words:
“You are so often in my thoughts. I don’t care what you call yourself, to me you are just John who I care about very much.”
The wisdom of age and experience had spoken, and I could only muse and be thankful that coming out had never been so easy, or so welcome.
So, when I send my Christmas cards next month, I’ll be putting my belated coming out interview into the envelopes of anyone else to whom the real me has never been imparted. No more evasion or covering up with those who live in less enlightened parts of the country than liberated London. Let it snow truth for a change.
By John Hartley
(c) Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
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