Are gay men angry?
Is it me or do gay men have a lot of anger issues?
We’ve all heard the amusing expressions ‘drama queen’ and ‘hissy fit’ which surround gay men, and sometimes have an element of truth to them.
“Gay marriage? You wait till gay divorce!”
“I’ll make your best ever friend or worst ever enemy”
“Hell hath no fury like a gay man scorned!”
Well, I’ve been thinking about this subject quite a lot recently, as I’ve been dealing with quite a few anger issues of my own. Recognising, and starting to deal with, my own anger has helped me see it more and more amongst other gay guys. I’ve noticed a lot of anger on the Mothership gay forums recently (flaming), and in personal messages, and on TV, and when I’m in the shops, and in traffic, in fact all around me. But I especially notice it in gay men.
Elton John has another hissy fit!
I discovered my own anger in a roundabout way. I was overweight for most of my adult life and finally sought counselling to try and help me understand why. I still don’t fully understand why I’ve found it so hard to control my weight, but I am now some three stone lighter, and also through the counselling I’ve come to realise a great deal of anger I’ve been living with because of a painful childhood.
This anger has imprisoned me, and without me realising it has influenced hugely the decisions I’ve made in life. Now that I’m starting to lose my anger I feel so much better inside, almost like I am being set free from it. But it has also set me thinking - I can’t be the only gay man who’s had a difficult childhood, right?
Maybe the homophobia that we grew up with as children (or even in later life) resulted in great injustices in the way other people around us treated us. When we’re kids this cuts deep, and affects us in our formative years. We can feel angry toward those around us who didn’t treat us in the right way. This anger is strong, and deep, and can poison us throughout our adult lives. We can be completely blind to it - I know I was.
I’m no expert on psychoanalysis, but I do have some expertise in the subject of me! For me I remember terrible feelings of anger and injustice throughout my childhood, and the interesting thing is that it is exactly the same feelings, in precisely the same way, that I have noticed in situations in my everyday adult life. For instance, around a month ago our cat’s pre-ordered prescription wasn’t ready and I had to wait 15 minutes when I was in a hurry. This petty incident really wound me up inside, and I complained, but the feelings inside felt exactly the same as the way I felt after far more serious incidents as a child.
Anger can imprison you
Do you have anger? If you do it can be very hard to spot. It isn’t always obvious like losing your temper a lot, or being violent. Sometimes it is far more subtle. I suspect for gay men it can come through by how easily they take offence, and how deeply that offence is taken, often at something very minor. Another clue is being unable to forgive and the long running vendettas that gay men seem to be prone to.
One thing I’ve noticed in myself is a lack of perspective. For me I would be unable to pass a battle by, no matter how trivial. If I was right about something, then it would justify any battle, no matter how petty, and whatever the consequences for myself or others. This is one of the best aspects of losing my anger. Being overlooked in the coffee queue today didn’t matter. I didn’t complain. In fact, it felt great. I am starting to lose my anger. “No problem” I smiled at the barista.
Of course I’m not saying that all gay men are angry. I am however saying that I suspect a higher proportion of gay men suffer from anger issues than in the general population, for very understandable reasons. Most of us endured homophobia, or injustices linked to our homosexuality in some way, and that may have been hard, and certainly wasn’t fair, and no wonder we got angry about it, and no wonder we live with that anger still.
If you recognise any of the anger symptoms above maybe you have anger issues too. If you do, then I urge you to do something about it. It can sound terribly patronising to say ‘get some counselling’, but because I’ve actually had professional counselling myself, I feel I can say it. Sometimes you can even get it for free (or cheaply) from a union, employer or charity, but even with the £25-£60 a session it may cost, if it sets you free from your prison of anger it will be worth every penny.
By David Abrehart
(c) Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.
Related posts:
Gay love and the importance of reconciliation
Men cuddling after sex
Gay teenage suicides - death by homophobia
Lying boyfriend? Three tests to find out
Does he like me?
Gay body language
Do you have any thoughts on living with anger, or if gay men tend to have more anger inside them? Please feel free to comment below on any aspect of this blog:
December 21st, 2009 at 10:32 am
Thanks guys, really appreciate your comments.
December 21st, 2009 at 10:31 am
David that is a great article for the blog. I can empathise a lot with what you have written. When I was in my teens I was quite thin. Then in my early thirties I was fat so I know all about weight issues. I have also had plenty of fights in my time and anger unchecked can lead to a whole lot of hurt
I am also a work in progress. There is no need to fear getting older if it means you learn from experience and can become more than the person that you once were. As I am getting older I am becoming happier and learning to have more control in my life. If you can be self aware then that is a open door to self understanding. If you can gain control of yourself and know your emotions then you can gain self control. If you have self control then you can have a degree of control over the situations you are in and prevent situations that you would rather not have occur.
I used to be a slave to insecurities…Too fat, too thin, not being with who I wanted to be with etc etc
I have and I am still learning about myself and that is a life changing experience. I’ve even got a little note book for myself with all the right words and phrases to help me Like my own lil instruction manuel or survival book hehe
I got one sentence written down which is in support of the blog and my own advice maybe usefull to others..
Always remember that the best argument is the one that you do not let happen!
December 21st, 2009 at 10:30 am
Dave what an incredible open account, I never really knew that people would need therapy over such issues, obvious when you really think about it, I know lasses always want to diet due aesthetic vanity, but as fur norm chaps we just take what’s given to us. Hence a lot of str8 blokes down the boozer have belly’s like Santa after a night out on pies n sherry. What is really sad is having known u fur 2 years n finally met u ano you’re such a decent bloke, u have a really handsome face (and a happy face), I’m really sorry to hear it caused you any anguish in life, no one deserves any torment because of having a low self esteem, especially when it isn’t warranted. I was watching Gaygod (Mathew lush doing a vlog on utube, and he was dancing around to a Christmas song in shorts n a santa hat, n he looked ill, he was so skinny it wasn’t funny. So I guess it is hard fur a lot of people. But when I saw u at the meet I can honestly say u looked great, 90% of gay lads wud be well happy having a catch like u on there arms mista.
I sorta know what u mean about hating how u look, my Granddad is German and all of his grandkids are Arian, but coz ma Dad is American n I have a tanned skin he used to call me a nigger as a kid, at the time I didn’t understand but it gave me a complex enuff to this day I still have high lighted blond hair to fit in to what I call the norm fur me (crazy innit)
What I don’t get about gay anger is why gays n lezzers don’t get on, you’d fink we was in the same boat n wud stick together
Obvi not all gays are like that n I have a lot of lezza mates, but they are quite rare
All in all a great post
^_^
*waves a paw*
ps it takes guts to be able to admit the fings that u hate about yaself so open well dun u, glad u sorted ya demons
December 21st, 2009 at 10:29 am
I never really thought about anger in relation to gay men! Having read the blog and thought about it for an hour or so as I watched bits and bobs on the tv, I guess there is a lot of anger among gay men but are we really any different to straight men in this regard? I fancy not. I am enclined to think that because we tend to be ‘clannish’ and stick together, through thick and thin, it would almost certainly APPEAR that there is more anger amongst us because of that very fact. Either way David, it was a thought provoking blog and one it must have ‘hurt’ to write seeing as you got so personal about yourself. RESPECT for a well written and interesting piece.