Flaming - Gay Chat Turns Nasty

Gay Chat in Flames

One of the less attractive aspects of gay chat sites is when members argue amongst themselves. When the argument turns nasty, and angry, it becomes an internet phenomenon called ‘flaming’. All gay chat sites experience flaming, but ultimately this behaviour is bad for the site.

Flaming Comes from Anger

Psychologists have identified three types of anger – the first is the immediate rush of self-defence anger we feel when suddenly confronted, or trapped. The second is the outrage we experience when we feel we are the subject of a deliberate provocation or attack. The third is when our angry behaviour comes from within like being irritable, for instance.

The trouble is, when we experience anger, it overwhelms our sense of judgment and reason, and causes us to respond irrationally. We lose the ability to become objective, and to exercise self-control.

In short, we’re furious! Our heartbeat is thumping in our ears, we’re hot, red-faced, our blood pressure is up. We can’t think straight. All we can think about is lashing out, getting back, hurting them.

Flaming on Gay Chat Sites

Flaming is bad for gay chat sites

When flaming kicks off on gay chat sites it isn’t pretty. It can be instigated by one person (sometimes known as a ‘troll’ if they make a habit of starting arguments), this provokes a reaction in another person (the second form of anger, above) and off it starts. A pattern then tends to form when other guys take sides, and then you’re left with a real bunfight!

Different gay chat sites deal with flaming in different ways. On Mothership Gay Dating, in addition to the ‘abuse’ buttons, the chat rooms have an ‘ignore’ facility which means you can hide other members’ posts. Other ways to control flaming involve banning members, temporary suspension and censoring.

The Gay Factor

It does seem that flaming on gay chat sites is can be particularly intense. Is there something in the gay male psyche that causes this?

There is evidence that gay guys are at higher risk of emotional problems than straight people or lesbians. Studies have shown gay men are 5 times more likely to commit suicide, have a higher incidence of depression, stress, substance abuse, conduct disorders and mental health problems.*

This same evidence has demonstrated that this is not wholly to do with external factors in our lives – like coming out or discrimination – but instead to be hard-wired into our brains. Of course this does not apply to all gay men, but it could be an indication that there is something that makes us more vulnerable to flaming on gay chat sites.

More to the point, if as gay guys we are at higher risk of emotional instability, don’t we owe it to ourselves to look after each other? Next time we’re using gay chat rooms or gay forums why don’t we take a deep breath before posting something that may upset another member?

“The greatest remedy for anger is delay”       Seneca

by David Abrehart

* Source: Archives of General Pyschiatry – Bailey 1999, Herrell 1999, Sandfort 2001

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