Can Gay Guys Stay Faithful?

Can Gay Guys Stay Monogamous?

No, they can’t - at least most gay guys can’t anyway.

Did Oscar Wilde understand the temptations gay couples have, and how hard they are to resist?

Gay Monogamy - What the Experts Say

Numerous studies have shown that relationships between gay men very rarely remain sexually monogamous over time. 

One study found that most couples interviewed had a broader perspective on what the  word ‘fidelity’ implies, “fidelity is not defined in terms of sexual behaviour, but rather by their emotional commitment to one another.” 

But does this sound like a cop-out?  Isn’t that a nice convenient definition of the word?  The same study (by David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison) had some other interesting findings: two thirds of the 156 couples interviewed expected their relationship to be exclusively monogamous when they started going out, but after 5 years not one couple remained sexually monogamous!

There are other damning studies too…Dr Martin Dannecker interviewed 900 gay guys in homosexual relationships, and found 83% of them had sexual encounters with other guys during their relationship with their partner.  In their book ‘After the Ball’, Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen say that “the cheating ratio of ‘married’ gay males, given enough time, approaches 100%”.

The list goes on…a Dutch study (Xiridou) found that gay men in homosexual relationships still had on average eight partners a year outside those relationships. That said, it is clear that there are some gay couples who do remain monogamous after a long time, although they are very much a minority.

Why Can’t Gay Men Stay Sexually Faithful?

Who knows?  It could be partly down to the fact that you have two men in a relationship.  Men think about sex more than women, and their sex drive tends to be more urgent and immediately compelling than a woman’s.  This could make us more likely to have sex with other guys.

Also as gay guys we tend to be more open minded about relationships anyway, and probably have less regard for a ‘traditional’ family setup.  As gay men, we’ve already broken the mould, so why shouldn’t our relationships evolve to fit our needs too?

Another factor is the constant temptation of Planet Gay that surrounds us.  Sex and  male nudity are diffused through the whole gay media, and the popularity of gay dating sites has left us very open to temptation, especially as many guys use them socially too.

Finally, does the psyche of gay men make us more prone to temptation than straight people?  Gay guys are 45%-100% more likely to smoke for instance, and as Oscar Wilde so famously said,

“I can resist everything, except temptation”

Whilst this may be a huge generalisation, it could be that as gay men we are more likely to succomb to temptation because, quite simply, that is the way we’re wired.  Or does this sound like a cop-out now?

Happiness, Because That’s What Matters

The main thing is that as gay guys we are happy in our relationships, no matter how we choose to define them or practice them.  It may be that we are much happier in an open relationship, or a monogamous one. 

There isn’t a right way or wrong way - it is about finding what works for us and, crucially, our partners too.

by David Abrehart

(c) Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

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